I am – Hercules!!

The two MTV award shows that bookend summer are unquestionably the finest award shows ever produced. All producers of award shows should remove their bruised and bleeding lips from Bruce Villanch’s hinder long enough to see how a genuinely entertaining trophython is forged.

(Yes, we still recall the horrific fiasco hosted by the lottery-winner-like Brothers Wayans two years ago. It was an exception. It proved the rule. This year your hosts are Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jack Black! These are very cool hosts!)

The MTV Movie Awards is such a good awards show we will watch even though we learned who won way back on Saturday night. That’s right: there’s nothing “live” about it. Will Smith won best male performance. Nicole Kidman won best female performance. “Fellowship of the Rings” won best movie. No one gives a rat’s ass!

This show is all about the journey.

Tune in, if only to see:

* Tobey Maguire in the show-opening “Spider-Man” parody;

* Magenta-tressed Kelly Osbourne performing “Papa Don’t Preach”;

* Jack Black’s fleeting homage to Meat Loaf;

* Will Ferrell’s “Panic Room” parody;

* The tribute to “Memento”-“Insomnia” writer-director Christopher Nolan;

* Performances by the White Stripes and that Slim Shady fellow; and

* Fabulous babes!! Kate Beckinsale, Linda Cardellini, Jennifer Garner, Katie Holmes, Bridget Moynahan, Brittany Murphy, Natalie Portman, Franka Potente, Winona Ryder, Hilary Swank, and Charlize Theron.

Herc predicts: talkbackers will bitch and moan and whine and cry. But they watch, whether they admit to doing so or not. Because you all are MTV’s sad little sex puppets.

Pre-show is 8:30 p.m. The show proper launches at 9 p.m. Thursday. MTV.

I’m here to teach y’all about callin’ collect!!

I am – Hercules!!