I am – Hercules!!\

Ah, was it really only a year ago that Tatu and dozens of their friends came bouncing out in their Catholic schoolgirl uniforms?

The two MTV award shows that bookend summer are the finest award shows ever produced. All producers of award shows should remove their bruised and bleeding lips from Bruce Villanch’s hinder long enough to see how a genuinely entertaining trophython is forged.

Yes, we still recall the horrific fiasco hosted by the lottery-winner-like Brothers Wayans several years ago! It was an exception!

But, but, really, the MTV Movie Awards is host-proof, and such a good show we will watch even though we learned who won way back on Saturday night. That’s right: there’s nothing “live” about it. Highlight the invisotext and learn the winners now:

Best Movie:
"Return of the King"

Best Female Performance:
Uma Thurman ("Kill Bill Vol. 1”)

Best Male Performance:
Johnny Depp ("Pirates of the Caribbean")

Best Comedic Performance:
Jack Black ("School of Rock”)

Best On-Screen Team:
Adam Sandler & Drew Barrymore ("50 First Dates”)

Best Villain:
Lucy Liu ("Kill Bill Vol. 1”)

Breakthrough Female:
Lindsay Lohan ("Freaky Friday”)

Breakthrough Male:
Shawn Ashmore ("X2”)

Best Kiss:
Owen Wilson & Carmen Electra & Amy Smart ("Starsky & Hutch”)

Best Fight:
Uma Thurman Vs. Chiaki Kuriyama (“Kill Bill Vol. 1”)

Best Dance Sequence:
Sean William Scott ("American Wedding”)

Best Action Sequence
Battle at Gondar ("Return of the King”)

Winners, shminners! Tune in for the “Passion of the Christ” parody!

Herc predicts: talkbackers will bitch and moan and whine and cry. But they watch, whether they admit to doing so or not. Because you are all MTV’s sad little sex puppets.

Pre-show is 8:30 p.m. The show proper launches at 9 p.m. Thursday. MTV.

I am – Hercules!!