Hey, everyone. ”Moriarty” here.

I'm just not sure about this one.

Maybe it's me, but I've never really bought into caveman movies at all. It just seems like they are so fundamentally, socially, mentally different than us that trying to tell a story where they behave like we do just seems... wrong.

I'm sure this is just meant to be a fun action movie ride. That's what Emmerich does. And he certainly seems due for a big slice of mainstream fun after his last few.

Is this the one that'll connect with audiences? Well, let's see what this spy has to say:

"Stargate" and "ID4" are truly solid memories in my childhood - so I jumped at the chance to see Roland Emmerich's latest epic "10,000 B.C." at the Pacific 21 in Winnetka, CA this evening. As the thought of a Will Smith type riding Wooly Mammoths and kicking caveman ass sounded like a great time - but boy was I in the wrong set of mind.

First off, aside from some obvious film grain and color issues, it seems to be extraordinarily far along - all of the music and CGI effects are intact, so I'm left to assume that the Warner and Legendary are ordering up some initial audience feedback before it plans its own early March, 300-like media assault. Complete with it's own 10,000 B.C. themed Myspace promo - I can see it now "add 10,000 photos!"

Anyway -- I'm here to report that this film is an absolute disaster - and sadly not the kind that either Will Smith or even Jake Gyllenhaal could prevent.

The film starts with aerial views of white snowy landscapes as some blanket wearing dark cave dwellers make their way across the land. They make it back to their chanting village, which is filled with numerous ethnicities - blacks, Indians, Eskimos and Asians, - who are all united by dirt on their faces. We then meet a young 6-year-old white girl named Evolet. It becomes clear that because she's born white and with bright blue-eyes, she will clearly be the perfect eye and arm candy for the hottest, strongest, male warrior in some years to come. Thereby creating the perfect white force to send on a spiritual journey that'll save their village for many lifetimes to come!

Yay white power!!

We fast forward to meet a grown up D'Leh (Steven Strait) who has clearly had a thing for super-hot, blue-eyed, white Evolet (Camilla Belle) for some time now. (And who can blame him, Camilla here, even covered in dirt and dreadlocks is a drop dead cutie) Anyway the two have already sorted out their alliance together, and all that's in their way is for D'Leh to win the final immunity idol: "the white spear" - which is given to the first warrior to down a wooly mammoth.

Now before this happens we discover all about D'Leh's daddy-issues - his father left when he was a young boy (bastard!) and his dad forced best friend Tic-Tic, to raise D'Leh and promise never to tell a soul that he's actually a good father (awww maybe he's not a bastard after all) Zzzzzzz.... bring on the mammoth hunt!

You know a movie's in trouble when you care more about the mammoths they're trapping and killing than the people we're supposed to be rooting for. So back to this fantastic narrative - as I wrote earlier, the warrior who succeeds in the final hunt gets to wield the white spear and bang Evolet - Gee... I wonder who will win??

Ah ah ah.. not so fast! While our main man D'Leh does manage to take down Snuffaluffagus, he only does it through a cowardly accident. So now what's a young man with Daddy issues to do - admit he's a coward? Then lose the white spear and watch one of his non-white best friends bang his hot white girlfriend?? Luckily D'Leh doesn't have to worry about this dilemma, for as he sulks on some rocks - the village is trashed by some terrorists who enslave and take away most of the villagers. D'Leh is enraged as the bald, dark-skinned Arab man handles his woman and rides off with her, on a horse into the sunset.

So D'Leh, Tick Tock, and some other dude go off to save their people - but uh-oh a young boy has followed them - "go back, you'll merely slow us down" - "but they killed my mother! Plus you need some young comic relief" - Oh snap! Guess he's coming along! Cut To: the boy climbing faster than Tick Tock - awwww! And now in the boy's haste he's accidentally kicked some large rocks at Tick Tock! - crowd laughter - those avenging Neanderthals sure are funny - and they're just like you and me!

Now this is where the film REALLY slowed down for me - we follow the terrorists for what seems like an hour - through the desert, through the jungle - at one point D'Leh even saves Evolet for a brief moment - until they're all attacked by giant prehistoric ostriches - which I think might end up being the worst movie monsters since Emmerich's own Godzilla.

I'm skipping a lot of crap here, including a RIDICULOUS scene where D'Leh frees a saber-tooth tiger from drowning - and in return the saber-tooth doesn't eat him - this impresses a fellow tribe they come upon - leading us to learn that many years ago a white man came and told them of their destiny - a white man with a similar face to D'Leh - awww - could it be....... ???

I won't spoil it all for you - as the last section of the film switches gears and finally gives us an endgame and some entertainment - but only because the movie turns into "Stargate" (seriously) and finally gives us something to root for - but sadly it comes far too late, And the ultimate ending is as disappointing as the first two-
thirds.

If only Mr. Emmerich would have made it even more tongue-in-cheek, with more over the top action and fun like having the Sabertooth eat some people for D'Leh - or even just take us to the endgame faster - the only truly shocking moment about this movie was finding out afterwards that it was only an hour and forty minutes long - as it truly felt at least twice that.

So "10,000 B.C." is no "300" for me - it's just a stale popcorn flick - But who knows - this is a "test screening" and the cut could be changed drastically. Let's hope so.

Call me “SexyWhisk.”